Whew. I guess I never fully realized how consumed I was with the baby-making process until I backed off from it. After another month of no baby, I decided at the first of November to just not think about it anymore. I had been enthralled with anything regarding babies, conceiving, tracking, you name it. It was really taking a toll on me, why I couldn't conceive immediately and what was I doing wrong?! Not ONCE since the beginning of the month have I looked at a blog, an app, or anything regarding pregnancy. And you know what? It feels GOOD. I'm not honestly sure when I had my last period, when I could have conceived or when the next one is due. It's as if the greatest weight has been lifted from my shoulders and that is exactly what I needed.
Initially I think Brent thought this was my way of saying I didn't want a baby right now, and it took a day of bickering to get him to fully understand my reasoning. Absolutely I want a baby, and due to my job restrictions we can try until February and then we'll have to take about three months off and pick up in May/June. I fully believe that God will not give you more than you can handle and He will decide when the time is right, so obviously the timing hasn't been right thus far and we must just be way too busy to handle a baby. That's what I choose to believe, and it has nothing to do with my want for a child. By letting go of the process in my mind and letting nature take it's course, I'm less stressed and happier, and that is the precise medicine I needed. Although we said from the beginning that we were "going to try, but not try", we've been "trying" this whole time. It's draining.
So I'm quite proud of myself. I've been focusing on work and family and rearranging my entire house for the Christmas tree. It is truly my favorite time of year, and when I put up my Christmas tree this weekend I'm going to whip out my customary bottle of pink champagne and enjoy it, because my body deserves to let loose and do what it needs to do.
Cheers to the holidays and lots of fun baby making!
Love, KC
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